Monday, April 18, 2005

Goodbye Ava Marie Cadeau

I'm sorry if this post sounds very impersonal, but I cannot muster up any more strength to elaborate or provide more details. Below is a copy of an email I have sent my friends to let everyone know what has happened to my husband and I.

I’m writing to let you know that I went into labour and gave birth to Ava Marie Cadeau on Thursday April 14th, at 2:11 PM in the afternoon through a crash Cesarean delivery at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto. Ava was perfectly beautiful. She weighed 6 lbs 6 oz with a full head of curly brown hair.

Ava’s heart rate was very low at birth and a team of expert pediatricians and nurses did their best to save her. Unfortunately they were not able to help.

She was in our arms until she passed away at 9:30 PM that evening.

Although Ava’s life was too short, it was a life that consisted of only love, kisses and hugs all while resting peacefully against the warmth of my bosom.

We are holding a small ceremony to put Ava to rest on Wednesday April 20th and she will be surrounded by the love of her immediate family.

If anybody would like to honour Ava’s memory please release a balloon into the air as we will be doing the same following the ceremony in her honour.

Warmest Regards,

Karla Cadeau

I don’t think I will be back to post any more after this. I want to thank everyone who reads my blog for following along with me in such a memorable and joyous occasion in my life. It means a lot to us to know that Ava will be remembered and was loved by so many. Many of you have been along for the journey of her life since before she was born. Thank you for sharing such a special time with us.

Here are some pictures of our beautiful baby girl. Please help keep her memory alive.


At 8:27 PM, Blogger Brandi hollered...

I have to tell you how strong you are to post this. I would of run away never to log onto my blog again no matter who was wondering what was going on. I am so sorry for your loss and I know my words words cannot express the pain you and your family are going through. I cannot imagine how this feels. I want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! I am sending a outpouring of love your way even though I am sure it will never take the ache in your heart away. (((HUGS))) There is a community of women who can understand your pain. Please visit when you feel ready They will give you support and understanding no other can unless they have been there and understand exactly what your feeling! I know you don't know me but if you ever need to talk please.....I am a email away

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Mel hollered...

I am so sorry.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger maricarnjerry hollered...

My condolences to you and your family. I too have lost a child and still don't even remotely know what to say. Our thought and prayers are with you and Ava.

At 9:08 PM, Blogger Chris hollered...

Karla, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you and your family are dealing with right now! I'm so sorry! If there's anything we can do, besides pray, please let us know!

At 9:39 PM, Blogger Anvilcloud hollered...

Tears have been shed. We care about you guys and feel genuine remorse ove your loss. I am sure that this is one of the hardest things that anyone can go through. I can only begin to imagine your sense of loss and desolation. Balloons will be raised.

At 9:42 PM, Blogger blessedmama hollered...

i am so very sorry. words could never express. praying for you.

At 10:18 PM, Blogger k8 hollered...

love and prayers.xok8

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Julia hollered...

Karla and Mark,

I tell you this with tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry. She really was beautiful, just gorgeous. You are both very loved, and balloons will be released in South Carolina. I love both of you as much as you can love someone you haven't met in person. You are in my prayers.

At 11:10 PM, Blogger Kathy hollered...

Karla and Mark,

My husband and I both cried when we heard about Ava's passing. We experienced the same thing in 1981 when our son John died. He also only lived a few hours after the most perfect pregnancy. I've asked Jan to pass along all my contact information if either of you need to talk to someone that knows what you are going through now and into the future.
Just know you can make it through this time. You will smile and laugh again. You will hold each other again, not in complete condolence, but in tenderness. You will live again. And if the Lord gives you another child, that child will be the second most important blessing of your life. Your first blessing from God was Ava.

Ava Marie Cadeau is God's little flower, to precious to bloom on earth.

All my Love,
Kathy Marshall
(Jan's friend from NJ)

At 11:28 PM, Blogger Christi hollered...

You are such a brave and special person. I have struggled over this all day as to why, of all people in the world, this had to happen to you. I will miss you SO much and hearing your thoughts. Please know that I am ALWAYS going to be here for you, and it can be for anything whatsoever. Ava is such a special person, and she has truly changed my life. She will be missed more than you can know. Oh, and Columbia will be crazy with balloons on Wednesday.

At 2:11 AM, Blogger kathy hollered...

I'm so sorry you lost baby Ava. I don't know what to say...I'm so sad to learn this. I'm so very sorry.

At 8:08 AM, Blogger Renee hollered...

Keeeping you close in our prayers...

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Judy hollered...

You will never forget her. Neither will I.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us.

I remember my Emily, even though it has been 25 years.

At 8:21 AM, Blogger Butterfly hollered...

Dear Karla,

I sit here at my desk, crying. I don't really know you but my parents (Anvil & Cuppa) have both talked about you a lot.

Sorry from a stranger doesn't count for much but I wanted you to know that your story has touched even those you don't know.

A balloon, for your sweet girl, on Wednesday.


At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I stumbled upon your blog just last week. I had been checking in to see if your daughter had arrived yet.

I was so sad for you when I read your post last night. I don't know you, haven't been reading long, yet I grieve for you and can't stop thinking about you and Ava.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your angel baby. Prayers, love and balloons from New York.

At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

Although these words could never be enough, I am so sorry to hear about Ava. I as someone that doesn't know you personally feel a tremendous ache in my heart for you, your husband and Ava. She was a beautiful babe and I have to say thank you for sharing her pictures and your very personal journey over the last few months. Even before she was born Ava touched so many who watched and heard about her through your blogs.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger kelly hollered...

I am so sorry to read about your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.


At 11:05 AM, Blogger Kristin hollered...

I have been silently following your pregnancy journey for several months - and haven't commented largely because you were the "model" pregnant lady while I seem to struggle selfishly with the day to day inconveniences.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I wish you and your husband strength and peace. Thank you for sharing your pictures of your beautiful daughter - she was indeed a wee angel.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Amy hollered...

My heart breaks for you, and your husband. I haven't been reading your blog long, but could just see the love you have for Ava, and always will. It doesn't mean alot coming from a stranger, but I'm so sorry.
Balloons in Ottawa for your little girl on Wednesday

At 11:59 AM, Blogger Jillian hollered...

Sitting here, crying for you and for Ava. Balloons In Michigan for your beautiful little girl. My prayers are with you.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger pregnancyweekly hollered...

I am so sorry for the loss of Ava. She was so loved by you and many others. She will always be loved and her memory will be strong. Many prayers to you and Mark.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger A hollered...

I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now and have so enjoyed being allowed in on the details of your pregnancy and your love for Ava. Words cannot express my sadness at reading of the loss of your precious daughter. You and your husband are in my prayers and thoughts and will be each time I think of you. You are a wonderful person with a good heart... and your heart has touched mine, despite never having met. Prayers from Oregon on Wednesday.

At 2:13 PM, Blogger Lammy hollered...

I just read through your blog for the first time today---linked by someone else's blog and it touched me. I feel your loss so profoundly. Releasing Balloons in Germany and lots of prayers for healing and love.

At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Mandi hollered...

Karla & Mark,

Our hearts goes out to you and your families. Your little angel Ava, touched so many hearts. Her memory will live on, forever. She's beautiful.

All our love, & balloons in Penetang,

Mandi & Kevin

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Laura hollered...

I have been reading your blog for a few months now but have never commented.

I am so profoundly sorry. I don't even know what else to say. I wept when I read what happened.

I will let a balloon fly high for precious Ava tomorrow from NYC.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger Heartshine hollered...

I couldn't possibly choose to not comment. I followed a link from Kristin's blog and my heart fell so deeply when I read about your loss. You are living through what I have always feared my worst nightmare. I will pray for you and your family today....that you will simply have the strength to make it through this hour, and then the next, and then the next...and that you will be able to envision Baby Ava as an angel with the Lord. Though, it must be almost impossible to associate anything lovely with the pain. I'm so sorry. Amy

At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

from mcgrandma

I am not a good writter like my beautiful daughter Karla, but thank you everyone for all your kind words.

Brenda McDonald

At 5:17 PM, Anonymous mipmup hollered...

this is the first time i've visited your blog; i read debaucherous and dishevelled's post about you today. i can't comprehend the depth of your loss, but want you to know that this stranger is thinking of you and i am deeply sorry.

At 5:42 PM, Blogger Just Cassa hollered...

You will always remember, and others will too. I don't know if this will help at all, but here are some poems I wrote for my son, Christian Damian Wilde.

“What’s new?” she asked
And I faltered,
Should I mention my baby,or not?
There is no doubt she’ll ask me
“How old?”

I could say “It’s been almost a year”
if my heart didn’t choke off my throat

what’s new?

It’s too hard to say
“would have been”
He would have been 11 months old
But instead he grew cold
In my arms

Now nothingness...

So nothingness
“Nothing” is new
That’s what I told her


On Your 1st Birthday

There will be no birthday cake
No lone bright candle
For friends to gather ‘round
Balloons and teddy bears
Will not fill the kitchen
Fat baby fingers
Covered in ice cream and frosting
Shall not be wiped clean
And no one will sing.

I put a memoriam
In the newspaper
And hummed “Happy Birthday”
Under my breath.

My birthday wish for you?
To somehow know
That you are loved
And missed.
For myself, I wish your 2nd birthday
To bring more thoughts of your life
Than of your death.


All Bets Are Off

Baby doesn’t need new shoes.

He’s not hungry or tired,
He never does cry,
There’s no nap time, no sleeping,
No lullaby.

He does not look at puppies,
Or freight trains, or fish.
There was no first birthday,
No cake, and no wish.

Bath time’s not play time
There’s no giggles, no splash
I don’t warm up bottles
Or cure diaper rash.

No fat sticky fingerprints
Mark up my walls
And there’s no toys or socks
To litter my halls.

He’s not in my home,
My arms, or my car.
The sun does not reach him,
Nor the wind, or the stars.

He’s not off with Grandma
Or just out of sight,
He won’t be home soon,
I won’t kiss him goodnight.

I turn my eyes skyward
At night and I pray,
Please God, be real,
Let him be okay.


Thoughts of Your Second Birthday

I beg the hands of time
To quicken their pace.
May deep wrinkles form
In my skin’s gentle creases.
Let gray hairs overtake auburn.
Please quiet the echo of his name,
Mute the sound of the fading heartbeat,
And dim memories of his blood.
Yellow all pictures,
Dilute salty tears,
And ease the pain of remembering
His sweet baby smell.


“Terrible Two” (for Christian)

Today the “terrible twos”
Might have begun.

I can imagine
How that would have been.
After the excitement of a noisy birthday party,
He would be all played out;
Something small might set him off.

My sweet boy
Would clench his fists,
Twist his cherub face in anger,
And stamp his little feet.
The chubby cheeks would grow red,
A horrible scream would escape his little lips,
A toy might fly through the air.

I would inhale deeply,
Remain calm,
Take him to his room
To settle.

I can see him now:
Throwing his little body on his bed,
Wailing to his teddy-bear at the injustice,
Feeling as though his world
Was screeching to a halt,
Gasping for breath between the sobs,
His throat growing sore,
Tears blinding him,
The little head beginning to ache.

The sobs would turn to whimpers,
And his breathing would slow down.
I’d take him in my arms,
And with a tissue,
I’d gently dry his eyes.

That is what I would have done
If he had lived to see this day.

I take a box of tissue,
Throw myself on the bed,
And surrender to the pain.


For Christian on his 7th Birthday

Some things change

The market experts testify as I look on
Condensation forms on the pitcher of water
Prepared and placed just for me
The table cloths have been perfectly pressed, the skirts perfectly ruffled.

Across town
In the nicest hotel
Maids make my bed, fluff my pillows
And clean my room

A thousand kilometers away
A good man wears my ring and misses me
A new car waits in the garage
A team of landscapers reinvents our back yard

Here in this room
The lawyers are starting to quibble
But the chairman has the final word
All is in order

But some things don’t change

June is setting in
The days are long and hot
And so beautiful

Your memory is back with a vengeance

Somewhere between a moment ago and a lifetime ago
In the wrong time, the wrong place, and the wrong circumstances
Came the unexpected miracle of you

The snow came and went
I made the Dean’s honour roll again
Got a stroller, and a snuggly
Diapers, teddy bear, maternity clothes
Found a way to make it work

And then there was bleeding
And gushing and birthing
But no crying
Except for mine

In this perfectly air conditioned room
I paste a faint smile on my face
And gulp the water
To fight back the tears

At 5:55 PM, Blogger Just Cassa hollered...

And some poems by others:

The mention of my child’s name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music
of his name
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul


What I Miss
by Steve Crook

Blinky, blanky
cute yellow bow
happy, cranky
I’ll never know

Patty-cake, tummy ache
sittin’ on my knee
lollipop, bunny hop
not meant to be

Band-Aids, braces
a butterfly kiss
making you giggle
is what I miss

Girl Scouts, boyfriends
making the team
prom night, graduation
it’s all just a dream

College, career
out on your own
meeting someone special
all of it postponed

Scrapbooks, memories
we’d laugh at how time flew
I’d hate to kiss you goodnight
‘cause reluctantly I knew...

The day would come
to give you away
how could I know
it would be today?


A Poem For Lucas
by his Dad, Gervais Fox
I can still move my hands
in this world of trinkets
and power.
And I wonder at how we
are lost in the temporary,
sparks of separateness in
the dark,
confident of power and
unaware of the sun.
I miss my Daddy
and I miss
my son.


by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child
the one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
the depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing,
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
pretending he didn’t exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
knowing he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say, "Pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing,
I feel it will take a lifetime.


Prayer For A Very New Angel
by Violet Alleyn Storey

God, God, be lenient her first night there.
The crib she slept in was so near my bed;
Her blue and white wool blanket was so soft,
Her pillow hollowed so to fit her head.

Teach me that she’ll not want me
When she has You and Heaven’s immensity!

I always left a light out in the hall.
I hoped to make her fearless in the dark;
And yet she was so small - one little light,
Not in the room, it scarcely mattered. Hark!

No, no; she seldom cried! God, not too far
For her to see, this first night, light a star!

And in the morning, when she first woke up,
I always kissed her on the left cheek where
The dimple was. And oh, I wet the brush.
It made it easier to curl her hair.

Just, just tomorrow morning, God, I pray,
When she wakes up, do things for her my way!

At 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I am so sorry.

Love from Illinois

At 6:35 PM, Blogger Tammy hollered...

Tears are rolling down my face as I read your last post. I came across your blog from a friend and I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. I too live in Canada not very far from you. I will be thinking about you and your precious Ava. She is so beautiful as you hold her close. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through but know that you have loved ones all around you who care for you and will do anything to help you. God bless you always and again I pray for you and your family. xoxo Curlytrouble, Belleville, Ontario

At 7:33 PM, Blogger B$ hollered...

I have visited this site many times today, each time attempting to post a comment but left looking at a blank page. I am at a loss for words. I care deeply for both of you and if I could take away the pain I would in a second.

In Ottawa and all over the world a balloon for little Ava.

At 9:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

Karla, I already commented once today, but I had to come back tonight....because I couldn't think of anything else all day. Your beautiful hospital pictures look so much like the ones of my two children...who are now 3 and 1. I don't understand why this had to happen. If I (a complete stranger until today) am feeling this much grief for you, I can only imagine how much it is multiplied throughout your whole community. If you haven't yet read the poems posted above (they are beautiful and sad), you should maybe wait a bit. I'm sobbing. More balloons for Ava in Rochester, Minnesota. Amy

At 10:22 PM, Blogger TBG hollered...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hold you in my prayers. I will release a balloon for Baby Ava in Philadelphia, PA

At 11:27 PM, Blogger MCANDOU hollered...

I'm so sorry to visit your blog tonight to find such a tragedy. I have been checking your blog for the last few months and I am truly saddened to hear the news. I had started my own baby blog when I came upon yours and found the lilypie counter which I used on my own site. I hope that you will be able to recover and someday and you will be blessed with a room full of beautiful children.

I know somewhat how it feels. We nearly had an emergency c-section because the baby's heart rate dropped. But everything pulled through and today we have a beautiful son. I would be a broken man today if he had not made it.

We had our own tragedy. Two days after his birth my mother lost her battle with cancer. We were rushing out of the hospital with the baby to go see her when she passed. We wanted to see her grandchild.

Again, I'm sorry to hear of this tragedy. My family will pray for you.

At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Sherri hollered...

What a beautiful baby... I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have never visited your site before now but I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers. I cannot begin to imagine your loss.

All our love, the family of A Place to Grow...

Sherri, Todd, Ashley, Taelor and Abigail.

My God uphold you in your time of dispair. ((hugs))

At 1:52 AM, Blogger kara ganda hollered...

hi, i just chanced upon your blog. just wanted to say i'm praying for you, your husband and your very pretty little girl who i'm sure is up in heaven already :)

At 2:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

What a sweet, beautiful baby girl. I'll be thinking of and praying for you Wednesday. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I do not know how a mama (or papa) stands up under this sort of hell on earth. Hugs and blessings,

At 2:56 AM, Blogger Junhao hollered...

my condolences to you, karla and you husband. god bless ava and your beautiful souls.

junhao, singapore.

At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. You are in my prayers.

She was as good as she was fair,
None, none on earth above her!
As pure in thoughts as angels are,
To know her was to love her.
~ Samuel Rogers

At 5:08 AM, Anonymous Kate hollered...

Balloons from England for your precious little girl. My thoughts are with you and your family.


At 5:38 AM, Blogger Lewis hollered...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 5:58 AM, Blogger Lewis hollered...

Tears, prayers, and a balloon from Virginia. May God be with you both.

At 6:55 AM, Blogger gina hollered...

What a beautiful baby girl. A balloon will be released today from Rutland, Ma. in honor of your sweet Ava Marie. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers today.

At 7:28 AM, Blogger Dragonfly hollered...

I am sorry for the lose of your baby. A balloon will be released in Finland on Wednesday.

-Milla- (have been reading your blog for a while...)

At 7:57 AM, Blogger Nikon6 hollered...

Oh my God I am so sorry! My heart breaks for you! You are all in my thoughts and prayers today..

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Cuppa hollered...

Karla and Mark
Special thoughts of you today. I awoke this morning to the sounds of rain and my first thought was "The heavens are crying too!"

My heart goes out to you today as you ache for your daughter and the loss of your precious grand-daughter. We sure hurt when our kids hurt don't we? I am sending heart hugs to you today too. Give Karla a hug from me.

At 8:25 AM, Blogger Beth hollered...

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you and your husband. Your children should outlive you, not the other way around.
A balloon will be released in Ontario Canada today.

At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

Karla, you don't know me, and until this morning I didn't know you, but my heart is breaking for you and your husband at your loss. My prayers are with your family at this time.


At 9:29 AM, Blogger Tammy hollered...

I have waken up sad today. All night I had you and your family on my mind. I woke up this morning to a dark and rainy day. The heavens seem to be crying as well for this sad loss.

I have never even met you but I feel like you are a part of my family. My husband and I are so sad to hear of your loss. I have come to your blog many times last night and this morning. I just want to reach out and give you the biggest HUG!

I feel like there is something I should be doing for you and I don't know what that is. I feel so helpless and so sad. My heart is just aching for you. I could see just how much you wanted and loved Ava.

I plan on taking a walk over to the dollar store behind my house where they sell some ballons. I plan on getting a beautiful pink balloon that says "Precious Baby Girl" and a few other pink balloons. And with my daughter and son we will let them go in honour of your beautiful Ava Marie.

Again I send you a big HUG and I will be praying and thinking of you all today.
She is your angel in heaven who will be smiling down on you always and forever. God Bless! Tammy

At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I am so sorry for you loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

Karla & Mark,
Our hearts,thoughts and prayers and with you both. We will be sending up balloons for sweet Ava Marie. God bless you both and I know Ava Marie is looking over you as an Angel in Heaven.

At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

At 12:53 PM, Blogger Raven hollered...

I am so sorry for the loss of your Ava. What a devastating loss. I will be keeping you and your husband in my prayers.


At 1:27 PM, Blogger janet hollered...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Leesa hollered...

Words can't even express the sorrow I feel for you.
I will release a balloon in Montana for Ava Marie.

At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I am so sorry for your loss. Little Ava is so precious.
Balloon for her in San Diego.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn hollered...

You shared your deepest hurt and we are hurting with you. Your loss is profound, and your love for Ava cannot be measured.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Laura hollered...

I am so very sorry. I went through a similar experience and words cannot even touch the way you both feel right now. Find strength in each other, and take things one day at a time.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Wash Lady hollered...

karla (and family)
this is my 4th attempt to comment. I bet I've been here 10 times since last night but I can't find the words - just tears and thoughts of how horrific this must be for you all.
My heart aches for you, for all the lost dreams and expectations and questions that will never have answers.
I know that we can't make your pain go away, and nothing will ever replace Ava - but I do echo all the sentiments and heartfelt prayers for you and your family.
Be gentle with yourself and cling to those you love and may you eventually find peace amidst all this hell that you are living.
I luv ya,

At 3:26 PM, Blogger Laney hollered...

Mere words cannot express how sorry I am for your entire family. You will be in my prayers and thoughts.

How beautiful your sweet angel was.


At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

from McGrandma
thank you all again for all your kind words.You have all helped us cope with our lost,you have no idea how much.We have found great peace from all of your post.

Love from McGrandma & McGrandpa

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Memphis Steve hollered...

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine how crushing this must be.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger Tammy hollered...

In honour of Ava I sent out balloons in the air for her today. I posted the pictures of my daughter and I as we let them go on my blog. Again I am thinking of you all and I am praying for each one of you. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. God Bless!

At 8:10 PM, Blogger Sheilah hollered...

I am so sorry. May peace be with you and your family. Baby Ava would want you to have it. The Lord will take care of her.

At 8:19 PM, Blogger jane hollered...

I can't express the frog in my throat. I'm praying for Ava's soul and for God to bless you with a child. I'm releasing a balloon from some rural fields in Pennsylvania.

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Heather hollered...

Somewhere in a playground in heaven, there is laughter ringing out as your Ava and my Matthew play. Do they know how much their Mommies miss them?

We released balloons at Matthew's funeral too, and it was one of the most beautiful moments of the day. Now, 4 years later, my daughters still release an occasional balloon for their brother.

My heart goes out to you today. May you find some comfort in the thoughts and prayers of your cyber-friends.

At 4:26 PM, Blogger osk hollered...

I am so very sorry. I hope you know that us parents understand your loss. You are stronger than I. I could not go on if I ever lost my little one.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger venus de kilo hollered...

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Despite her heartbreakingly short life, Ava must have felt and known a lot of love.

At 10:06 PM, Blogger Ava Sophia hollered...

Dear Karla & Mark,

I just logged into your blog and I am speechless. My heart cries with you both and words will never express how sorry I am for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us Ava's life as she grew within you and as she experienced this world, if only for a brief time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Balloons released in Melbourne, Australia for Ava Cadeau. She will also be remembered on my daughter's blog.

God bless,

At 9:14 AM, Blogger Sheri hollered...

My heart breaks for you. I am so so very sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

At 1:42 PM, Blogger wookie hollered...

My prayers for you and your baby angel.

At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

From McGrandma

I would like to thank all of you for your kind words, prayers for Karla,Mark and our family.Karla,Mark and I have read all of the post and have gotten great strenght from all of you.Even though Ava was only with us for 7 short hours she touched more peoples hearts than we can imagine.I never knew how much a heart could ache up until this time.My heart aches twice. It aches for the granddauther that I will not be able to share what a grandmother and grandchild share and it aches just as much for Karla and Mark because i cant fix it for them either.A special thanks to Avilcloud for the picture you posted of Karla,Mark and Ava with the petals from the hyacinths. I'am an avid gardener and I am planting a purple shrub in memory of Ava. I was also wanting to plant some flowers in her memory and was still undecided as to which ones to plant ,until I saw the picture that you posted.Thank you.

All my love to all of you for carring so much.
Brenda McDonald (Karla,s mom)

At 5:05 AM, Blogger Chris hollered...

There are prayers for you worldwide, now including England. Bless you all so, so much.

I pray one day you will find again the happiness and joy you have had over the last nine months.

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Julia hollered...

Brenda, thank you for letting us know you are reading these comments. I keep checking back, and I think of you all often.


At 11:10 AM, Blogger Cuppa hollered...

I am having great trouble posting comments. For some reason I can't get into your comments on my laptop at all so I am on AC's laptop right now just to send you all a hug and let you know that I am thinking of you on this cold wintry day.

You are loved and held in our hearts.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger A hollered...

I have checked back repeatedly since Karla's last post, reading others' comments and appreciating McGrandma's update. I am praying for you all and just wanting you to know that you and Ava are not forgotten. I am so glad that her life was celebrated through this blog, that it was detailed and anticipated by so many. It does not minimize the tragedy, but it did give many people a chance to know her in the months before her birth. And that is a true gift to us all, as well as a wonderful way for her to be remembered. Many blessings to you all.

At 8:01 PM, Blogger blue2go hollered...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Ava. You are so strong and brave to post the letter you sent to friends and family. Please know that we all are thinking of you, and that Ava knows she is loved!
a balloon in Duluth, Minnesota

At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...


No one ever expects their baby to pass away and you and I are two that have walked this road of reality. We aren't supposed to have to bury our children let alone our babies.

My own daughter, Abigail, was stillborn on April 13, 2001. Her name means "father's joy" and that she was although she stole her mommy's heart in a glimpse too. Why her heart had to stop while mine kept beating I will never know in this lifetime.

All I can do right now is use the best words I can muster to say that I am sorry, so sorry, for you and your husband and for this loss that you are having to endure.

Mom to Abigail -

At 11:09 PM, Blogger canadiantania hollered...

even though it's late, a ballon for your angel in Beeton, ON
My sincerest sympathies.


At 11:26 PM, Blogger cesca hollered...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this!

My thoughts are with you, from here in New Zealand.

At 1:54 AM, Blogger Gina hollered...

Ava was absolutely beautiful and perfect. Your strength and grace amaze me. My heart goes out to you in this time of what must be quite unbearable pain. I know you don't know me, but my husband and I send our prayers to you and your family.

At 8:27 PM, Blogger suze hollered...

I'm so sorry. What a sweet, sweet angel. She's beautiful. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.

At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I don't know if this is any help but there is a song by Dido that's called See The Sun... ignore it if it doesn't help.

I'm comin' 'round to open the blinds
You can't hide here any longer
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can't last here any longer

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Come on take my hand
We're going for a walk, I know you can
You can wear anything as long as it's not black
Please don't mourn forever
She's not coming back

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all
You said one day this was worth dying for
So be thankful you knew her at all
But it's no more

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
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I'm not telling you to forget. Of course I'm not. But the sun WILL shine again.

I pray Jesus holds you all in his arms as you search for comfort.

At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Julana S. hollered...

I just found your blog as a link from another. I am so sorry for your loss. May God comfort you with a sense of His presence and love in this time of loss.

At 6:07 PM, Blogger Heartshine hollered...

I'm just checking back in...and am so grateful for McGrandma's update. I don't know you, but I'm wondering how you are. Recovering from a c-section is no easy thing. You are dealing with so much, that I just pray you're given an extra dose of peace and love this week. We released a balloon near Rochester/Oronoco, MN and I tried to take a picture- it was so lovely, but the wind sweeped it away so quickly that I wasn't able to capture it on film. I couldn't help but think of the symbolism. Prayers and hugs, Amy

At 11:19 PM, Blogger Patyrish hollered...

There are absolutely no words in the English language that I could say to take away your pain. I saw your site the day after you posted about losing Ava and all I could do was look at the pictures of your beautiful family and cry. I know the heartbreak you are feeling must be tremendous but please know that Ava is in heaven looking down on you and watching over you. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

At 9:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

Hi Karla, Mark, McGrandma. I hope you keep this blog up for awhile to come. I'm forwarding the link to some friends who do a variety of pregnancy counselling, including infant loss. Your story and all the comments generated are an amazing outlet for grieving parents. I see in this a place I can tell hurting moms and dads to visit when they're feeling alone in their pain. Blessings on you folks.

At 12:08 AM, Blogger Christi hollered...

I so miss you guys. I hope everything is going alright. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you everyday, still, and will continue to for a long time to come. I wish I could give you guys a big hug, and offer anything I can to help you.

McGrandma, if you happen to read this, could you please let us know how things are going? I think about Karla and Mark everyday, and wish only the best for them.

At 5:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

Hi Karla

I am soooooooooooooo sorry for ur loss. I popped in here time to time to read how u were doing.

I have U in my thoughts and prayers...
Ur so strong.
I had tears falling down my face at the end of your post, And than seeing your pictures with Ava, my heart is broken.
I'm lost for words, but I DO feel your pain!!!

At 8:26 PM, Blogger ~d.~ hollered...

i follow your hubbie's exercise blog as i just got a bowflex and was shocked and deepened sadden to hear of your loss. i am truly sorry i can't imagine the hell you must be going through.

At 12:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

i stumbled upon your so so sorry for your loss. what else is there to be said?
"nothing GOLD can stay.."

G-d bless you.

At 1:50 AM, Blogger Patyrish hollered...

I just came on your site again looking to see how you all were doing. I thought of you and your family today and again my heart just breaks for you. I have never lost a child so I cannott say I know how you are one can unless they have been in your shoes. I have a 1 year old that I have almost lost 3 times (she has a severe genetic condition and numerous medical problems), I can't imagine the pain you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you want to talk you can email me at
You are a very strong person....I don't know if I could have come and posted on here...the pictures of sweet Ava are so beautiful and she truly is an Angel. She is watching over you now I am sure.

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Natalia hollered...

Karla and Mark, I just bumped into your blog, after looking for my friend's blog. I read about your Baby, and I'm crying. I'm a mom of a daughter, and I can feel the pain. She's beautiful, she's God's angel.
My prayer with you..

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Kristin hollered...

Dear Karla,
I stumbled upon your blog while surfing and found this last entry. I am in tears, heartbroken for a family I don't know. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain and I am so very sorry that Ava was taken from you.

Thank you for having the strength to share these precious pictures of your beautiful daughter with the world. She will not be forgotten.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger captain_howdy_girl hollered...

I'm so sorry for you and you husband. She was truly beautiful.

At 7:37 PM, Blogger Humor Girl hollered...

I can't find words. The letter was some of the most beautiful words I've ever read, and you are so strong to know them.

We can't understand God's plan, but we will some day.

At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...


This message comes after a little time and I believe I have found this site now for a very special reason. Your and Ava's story has touched my heart; it has opened it up; woken it from the a cold numbness. The tears that are now falling are welcome as I know that my healing can now begin.

I hope that it has begun for you.

The pictures of your beautiful daughter, Ava; the beautiful family that you make are breathtakingly beautiful - in the sadness you can see the spirit of love and hope all around your family. I feel Ava brings this to you.

In Australia tomorrow there will be two balloons, one for Ava and one for my baby too.

Thank you for sharing in the way that you have. I know that Ava would be so proud that you are her mother and father.

I believe that Ava has filled the world with a beautiful shining light while here, a light which will always shine in the hearts of the people who loved her so much and who carry her in their hearts so that she is not forgotten.

Love, light and peace be yours.


At 11:48 PM, Blogger Tachae hollered...

its a year today since your Ava's death and I still feel tremendous pain for you both. i hope you find some comfort and healing from each other in this rough time.

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Amy hollered...

It has been just over a year, and I am still thinking and praying for you guys. I still remember Ava all the time and hope that you and your husband are doing okay.

At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Emily hollered...

Granted I'm a year late, but I just found your site.

There are no words. Sorry just doesn't do justice for the pain you felt and am sure are still feeling.

At 12:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I look at your site often. Nothing ever changes, but I say hello everytime to Ava. Her existance is a part of my life now. No more or less important than my grandmother who lived to be 93 years old. Ava was loved and cherished and real and beautiful and she knew all of that. I hope so much inside, and say it to myself often, that I hope you have found a small bit of peace, and felt somehow a bit of joy again in life. You opened your heart and life to those of us that would read it, and take the journey along side of you in spirit. I open my heart to send strength and hope and joy to you in spirit as well. You showed a grace and courage I could only hope to attempt in any time of heart break. I will never forget Ava. I will think of her often.

At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Cece hollered...

Thank you for your courage. I was just doing a google search for my baby's name and found your page. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR STRENGTH AND YOUR LIFE. THIS IS INDESCRIBABLE I'M SURE. PEACE AND BLESSINGS. My daughter was born 3/28/06 in Dallas TX and her name is Ava Marie as well.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger Swampwitch hollered...

Dear Karla,
Oh My! I had not seen this post until after you left your message on my blog this morning.
I had no idea.
I know this comment comes months later, but I wanted to respond anyway.
I don't know if you saw the pics on my post yesterday, but we have an Ava. I hope it was not upsetting for you if you did see that picture because when I posted on your blog, I didn't know about this.
I hope you and your husband's hearts are healing.

At 5:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous hollered...

I am 12 years old and recently lost my baby cousin. Tears are streaming down my face as i write this. Now I know that my cousin Jaqueline will not be alone. I do not know what it feels like to be a mother and loose my baby, but i do know how it feels like staying up all night asking god why? After a couple of months, i found out that she passed because of a blood clotting disorder. I finally realized that Jaqueline's passing happend for a reason, to save my or my own family's life because now we know that the disorder is in the family and now we can prevent it. I'm not going to lie, i will never forget her and still think about her everyday. Just remember that Ava's passing is part of God's plan, even though it may not seem like it now. God bless, and my prayers are with you and your family.

At 1:20 AM, Blogger shauna hollered...

Thank you for posting to my blog. I've visting yours (Untangling Knots) a time or two but had never come to this one. Even though you didn't elaborate I'm sure that pain you spoke of consumed you. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, but so happy to read about the joy you're experiencing with your son. My brother and sister-in-law just had twin babies who are currently in NICU. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. And one of their daughter's names is Ava. It's a beautiful name--as beautiful, I'm sure, as your daughter must have been.

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At 8:49 PM, Anonymous NS hollered...

I could not imagine ever going through this. God Bless, thanks for posting. It helps to remind us of how fortunate we are to have the people in our lives that we do.

Love and Hugs,

At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Tania hollered...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Hopefully the passage of time will help heal these wounds.


At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Christal in Toronto hollered...

Hi Karla,

This is years later, and I came across your blog on youtube, actually, while looking at a memorial video for my friends' son. As a mom of two, I cannot even imagine. Ava is so, so beautiful. I hope that time has BEGUN to heal your wounds. Your family is forever changed because of this. And you are in my thoughts. Even now.

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Another mother who lost her baby after birth tells of her spiritual encounter with her little girl Danielle Caroline.

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