Ass Sandwich

I was at the sitting at the top of the stairs talking to my husband (don’t ask why we converse in the stairway…we just sort of stop and talk wherever we are most of the time). For whatever reason, I felt the need to support my butt with my hands. Well if that isn’t a dead giveaway that I have an expanding bottom half, then I don’t know what is. I felt more squishiness on my ass then I’ve ever cared to feel. I immediately demanded my husband give the honest truth if my ass was ballooning out like my stomach, and like the dutiful husband that he is, he lovingly lied through his teeth and said that I look beautiful and my butt is not growing. Yeah yeah, shove over buddy, I know you’re too smart to actually tell your wife you think her ass is getting bigger! I had to see for myself! I ran to the bedroom to check out my side profile in the mirror. Not a good idea to do when you’re wearing your baggiest comfy pants and the most oversize sweater in the closet. After many reassuring comments from my wonderful hubby (thank you darling for putting up with me), we decided my baggy clothes just weren’t doing me any justice and to put the issue to rest. Done deal! Until….this morning. I got out of the shower and caught a glimpse of myself as I waddled passed the bathroom mirror. I actually had to do a double take and waddle back to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. It was true! My ass has finally succumbed to an astonishing glutinous pile of cottage cheese. I had such high hopes of being one of those cute pregnant ladies who were good, and maintained an exercise routine and ate healthy. I was sure that would ward off the evil weight gain in unimaginable places. How naïve am I! Cellulite has no mercy. It made a cottage cheese sandwich of my ass. I suppose this realization is all part and parcel of welcoming me to motherhood. I don’t love the idea of cheese on my butt, but a glance down at my belly quickly puts me back to reality. My husband is stuck anyways now that he has a kid invested in this marriage! Just kidding! The reality is, I’m going to be a mom, and that makes all the less desirable issues fade into the background.